I’m hurt, but I’m not angry
After every maddening struggle we endured, our separation was sadly inevitable. I can look back and recognise that. Even as I desperately tried to hold our love together while we were in the trenches. My feelings for you haven’t changed and I’ve missed you terribly. But it often felt as if the universe was conspiring against our happiness. No matter how I wanted the ability, I could not control our circumstances. Neither could you. I’m hurt, but I’m not angry. If you came back, I would tell you that I understand.
I would have to stop myself from gathering you up into my arms. I’ve longed for that moment every day, but it’s not that simple. As much as I still love you. There is so much we’d need to discuss before I could let you back into my heart, and more importantly, my trust.
I would tell you that I’m so glad you’re back, I really am. But … we need to take things slow. After all, you did leave me.
Opening my heart to you was no easy task in the first place. I know that this isn’t all your doing. I have my own flaws and I am a constant work in progress. Still, you left my spirit trampled and devoid of hope, whether you meant to or not. It has been a shit show, leaving me reeling with the aggressive ups and downs of my emotions.
I cannot pretend to know how it affected you, but I suspect it hasn’t been quite so difficult. You most likely stifled your feelings and pushed them aside, as you do. Your emotions have always been so closed off. I attempted every trick, every strategy I could imagine just to crack you wide open. None of it worked, and that’s when I knew for sure that I’d never keep you. It didn’t matter what I did. I only caught cruel glimpses, moments when you let your guard down, and showed me what magic would exist if only you could overcome your fears. You were not ready to love me the way that I love you, unable to give me the affection I deserved. It’s not your fault, but it’s an unavoidable truth.
So if you came back, I’d have some questions. I’d choke down my words of joy and force myself to weigh your apologies. In the end, our feelings for each other cannot solve the issues that drove us apart. I would have to know. Are you all in? Are you sure, beyond a doubt, that this is what you want?
I love you, but I will no longer settle for less than what I give you. I won’t go back if you aren’t sure how you feel about me. The effort must be equal on both ends. Otherwise, what are we even doing? Don’t come back to me because you miss the way I made you feel about yourself. Don’t come back to me because I made you feel comfortable. Come back because you are ready to meet me where I stand.
I love you more than I ever knew I could love anyone. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. But not at the cost of losing myself. Not at the cost of going through the pain all over again. If you come back, you need to show me that something’s changed. You need to be patient, and caring, and show me that this is where you want to be.
If you come back, show me that you’re here to stay, or don’t bother coming back at all.