I don’t think about you as much as I used to, and I guess that’s a good thing, but some days I think about you a lot and today is that kind of day. When I was younger it was always a bit upsetting but now it’s just another day really. I hope that doesn’t upset you, that I don’t miss you, but to be honest I don’t have anything to miss, I don’t remember you. That hurts a bit, it used to hurt quite a lot, I remember desperately pleading with God or some higher power to let me remember you, just something, a tiny little memory, but nothing ever came. I think I’ve come to accept that. I think.
Growing up without you wasn’t hard and easy at times, I have an amazing family who mostly filled the gap you left, the hard part was the sometimes overwhelming feeling of sadness for someone I never knew, someone I never got to have in my life. It’s not fair that I never had a Mom, but life isn’t fair is it. Mom, I wish you were here, I really do, I wish I could hug you and drive you crazy when you’d give in to me, and I want to be a mommy’s girl. Sometimes I like to wonder about what my life would be like if you’d never died, whether you and Dad would have stayed together, whether I and Nick would have turned out the same way we have.
Mostly Mom I just want you to be proud of me, I want to show you that even though you’re not here you’re always guiding me and helping me make the right decisions, most of the time! Knowing you’re watching out for me makes me feel protected in a way that I don’t know how to describe, it scares Lily when I say I’m not scared of dying, but it’s true because I know you’d be with me and I’d get to see you again. Not that I plan on coming to see you anytime soon Mom, because I’ve got my whole life ahead of me, I’m going to do all the things you would have wanted for me, but mostly I’m going to be happy because I think you would have wanted that for me most.
There are going to be times when I feel sad that you’re not here, but I’ll be ok, who said your sister in law can’t walk you down the aisle anyway?! (Just kidding) You know Rose keeps on telling me that she wants me to have a wedding but I always laugh at her jokes. You know the way she is at times! Thank you Mom for everything you did, and for everything you never got to do but I know you would have wanted to, other people stepped in, they took that role and I don’t feel like I’ve been deprived of a happy life. I’ll always have a little tiny hole in my heart where my love for you should be, but the rest of my heart is filled with love from all the amazing people in my life. You don’t need to worry about me, I’m going to do fine, no, and I’m going to do amazingly. I’ll make you proud. I promise.
I know that the night must end, the sun will rise again and I’ll hear your voice deep inside.
I love you.